Taurus April 20 - May 20 While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both. Gemini May 21 - June 21 No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
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Cancer June 22 - July 22 You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion. Leo July 23 - August 22 You will see yourself in a whole new light this week while desperately failing to locate a single vein inside that downtown McDonald's bathroom.
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Virgo August 23 - September 22 A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television. Libra September 23 - October 23 The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21 Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
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Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 You're nervous, your palms are sweaty, and your stomach is full of knots, but don't worry: Chances are she's feeling the exact same first-date-rape jitters as you. Capricorn December 22 - January 19 A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold. Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Though you will mean to tell a group of friends about the appetizing sirloin steak you had for lunch, a Freudian slip this week will instead reveal how you tortured those four underage women in an old abandoned shack by the highway.
Pisces February 19 - March 20 Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events. Related news.
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What’s Your Zodiac Sign? | Wonderopolis
Jan 17, Taurus April 20 to May Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress. The latest news from The Onion's Horoscopes coverage all in one place and updated daily. Clickhole; The Onion. Get strategic about how to manage difficult people and situations by reconnecting with why you consent to being in your situation in the first place. Accept people for who they are, or move on, my love.
Make it your priority to honor your innermost needs, especially around the Full Moon on the 15th.
Born on June 1 with ascendant Leo
Focus on the things that matter most to you. Watch out for built-up frustrations that could lead to accidents from the 15th through the 21st. All this energy may leave you feeling disconnected from your friends and family. Reach out to your loved ones and ask for help, whether you need it for something deep or for help binging on Netflix. You may need to say "no" to things that others want from you if they take precious time and energy away from your goals.
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Whether you need to work on your personal or professional life, you run the same risk of acting out in a fit of stress, lover. Not all drama is bad: Sometimes things have to come to the surface so that they can be cleared away.
On the work front, reign in your desire for everything to fall into place all at once. Change is inevitable, but the quality of that change is up for grabs.
Plants and Herbs for Your Zodiac Sign
The best way to feel confused and crappy is to not have clear motivations guiding you. What you value says a lot about you, but how you act on what you value says even more. This month will have its ups and down.
Be on the lookout for power struggles from the 18th through 21st that may live on to haunt you if you handle them poorly. With Jupiter, the planet of growth and chance, in your astrological house of work, this is a great time to take your game to the next level.
Make conscientious use of opportunities that come your way, as it could be easy come, easy go times for you this month.